Archive for November, 2008

Washington, DC— As the American economy dips to its most dire point since the Great Depression, the Obama campaign is looking to make the previously lavish presidential inaugural galas more economically friendly. Arthur Franklin, the newly-elected head of the Obama Inaugural Committee, says that in this fiscally tight period in the nation’s history, the Commander-in-Chief-elect will be taking a lower-key approach to the traditional gala. “As we’ve shown throught the election process, the Obama administration is dedicated to using modern, down-to-earth tactics to the traditional presidency.” Today, invitations to the only Inaugural gala, held on the White House Lawn, have been sent to a select number of Obama’s friends on the popular social networking site, Facebook.

The Obama Inaugural Committee will be cutting costs throughout the party planning process. “This is probably going to be a BYOB thing, but we’ll try to pick up a couple cases,” said Franklin. “We’ll get the good shit, no Natty Lite or anything.” White House staff have confirmed that over 5,000 red Solo cups have been purchased for use at the Obama gala, and an Obama aide, speaking under promise of anonymity, noted that “we’ll play flip cup, beer pong and if someone can find the deck of cards and [newly-appointed White House Counsel] Greg [Craig] can remember the rules, him, me and [Vice President-elect Joseph] Biden are gonna start a game of Kings, or maybe Fuck the Dealer or something. Who has the ping pong balls?”

Dr. Reynold Jamison, professor of history at Georgetown University, says that these low-key galas were commonplace at the turn of the 20th century. “In 1909, William Howard Taft’s inaugural bala consisted of eight Mexican whores, a bottle of rum, and a piñata. The New York Times reported that Vice President James Sherman’s son Felipe was allegedly concieved there. If you compare that to the largesse of later galas, such as Ronald Reagan’s 2nd inaugural ball, where the Reflecting Pool at the base of the Washington Monument was converted to a chocolate fountain, you start to see the attitude of grandiosity that affected this nation.”

A return to simpler, more fiscally responsible times may be a trademark of the Obama administration. Staffers close to the president noted that in order to recooperate costs incurred by the gala, a $5 cover charge will be administered at the door. “However,” one aide said, “if a fine-ass lady walks up, we’ll always waive the cover. Hand her a cup and let her walk right in. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think Pelosi’s picking up a couple kegs.”

There are things that are out of our control. We can’t control Drew Carey on the Price is Right. We can’t control Chase Utley exclaiming that we are the “World FUCKING Champions” on every news station in town, be it radio or television. We can’t control that ugly fat guy on the Golden-Road.net forums who hates Plinko for no good reason. Physics, science, those people who cut you off on the freeway, religion, the weather… All these things are beyond our control.

However, as Election Day looms, there is one thing that we as Americans can control. This needs to be said, as loudly as possible. I don’t care how many times you hear it because it’s something that needs to be said. It has to be hammered into the skull of every eligible American.

YOU NEED TO FUCKING VOTE.

I’d love it if you voted for Senator Barack Obama. He’s a new kind of politician. He doesn’t slander, he doesn’t take the low road to get elected. He hasn’t attacked John McCain like Sen. McCain has attacked him. It’s refreshing and it’s a testament to his character. The world sees him as “not a jackass” and “a capable leader,” which Bush wasn’t and John McCain won’t be. This “share the wealth” business isn’t about socialism; it’s about giving everyone the opportunities to succeed.

Of course, if you vote for McCain, that’d be OK, too. That’s your choice. I’d like to give you a friendly reminder that the “change” that McCain is bringing was “change” that he saw fit to offer after he saw he was trailing in the polls. He voted with President Bush 90% of the time. The same President Bush who saw us into a war we have no business fighting, a recession we have no business being in, and an election that we so sorely need.

But in any event, if you were THINKING about voting, you should vote. If you’re not registered, then shame on you! Get registered and let your voice (yes, your voice matters, math be damned) be heard. If you are registered, find out here where you’re supposed to vote, and go do it. When Nelson Mandela was released from jail and South Africans first had the right to vote for their leaders, many of them stood in 96-degree weather for five hours just to be able to cast one single ballot. We take this privilege for granted? That’s silly.

Go vote. If you really aren’t sure, go to http://www.whoshouldyouvotefor.com/ and answer those questions honestly. Personally, take my advice: Go Obama. He truly is a different kind of politician, and one we can trust to lead us.